


Be Right Back

by 2Dsheep



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Based on the Black Mirror episode of the same name, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-21
Updated: 2016-12-01
Packaged: 2018-05-21 14:26:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,436
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6054910
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/2Dsheep/pseuds/2Dsheep
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Most people would kill to be able to hear from loved ones who have passed on. Here at Mob Ltd. We only ask for a phone number and some details.</p><p>When the pain of grief is just too much to bear we offer a service where the finality of death is undone.</p><p>Solace is only a few clicks away.</p><p>What would you say if you were given one more chance?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Levi sat on the sofa with his legs tucked beneath him, in his hand an empty wineglass which had been filled and drained six times already that evening. He was only just able to convince himself that drinking straight out of the bottle was not the better idea. The room swayed in the corner of his vision, the wine glass loose in his tingling fingertips, but he surveyed the living room from the sofa, taking it all in. He’d done more in four weeks of hard work than in the 4 months they had been living here before that, and it was finally finished.

The walls were painted a soft cream, bordered by a mahogany trim that matched the double doors. It even perfectly matched the coffee table that they had found in a small charity shop thanks to sheer luck. The drapes, a pebble grey to match the sofa, hung only an inch off the floor. Levi had wanted blinds. He remembered how he had argued about how much easier they were to clean, how much classier they looked.

The fireplace was the centrepiece of the living room, rough stone surround with a chunky wooden mantel, atop of which stood photograph after photograph, trinkets and mementos abundant. Levi would have at one time considered them tacky but it’s the only indication of life in this house, everything else immaculate and unused and bare. With only a small lamp at the opposite corner of the room for light, Levi couldn’t see the room all too well, but he knew it was beautiful. Aesthetically, it was just as he had envisioned. But it was missing something, and instead a tortuous silence filled the gaps.

This should have been more than just an exquisite showpiece style room. This was meant to be a home, bristling with light and life. It had almost been that, once.

The clanging of pots and pans more often than not accompanied with the smell of something burning, heavy footsteps resounding on floorboards not yet carpeted, the ringing of a long-awaited Skype call, the creak of the door battered by these countryside winds, peals of laughter, hushed sighs, desperate moans, the sweetest of words floating in the air around him. None of it. Not anymore. Levi was left only with the choking absence of sound. But it was probably all for the best; the gushing of wine into his glass seemed to be the only sound he could stomach in the evenings. Levi would have reached for the bottle, painted the glass once more in a rich red, only there was none left. He sighed in defeat and instead reached for his phone perched at the edge of the coffee table. His fingers slipped across the screen a couple of times before he finally hammered in the password.

“Fuck,” he wheezed, voice broken, tumbling from his lips in pieces. His phone had opened in the photo album from when he’d last used it.  
The screen showed a picture from two years ago. Erwin. His Erwin. Smiling, of course. He was always smiling. This picture was taken at their wedding, the glow of sunset a soft blush on Erwin’s cheeks, his hair shimmered gold, loose strands dancing in the breeze.

Friends and family had forbade them both from taking their cameras.  
“You’re not at work on your own wedding day,” they had warned. They had said nothing about phones however, so Levi had snapped as many pictures as he could. He would still argue that he did a better job than the photographer his mother-in-law hired. Erwin had said the same.

Levi slid his thumb across the screen, lingering on each photo of him. Erwin smiling. Erwin dancing with his mother. Erwin with cake frosting smeared on his lower lip. Erwin pushed against a bed, shirt and belt opened, newly ringed hand dipping into his trousers. So many pictures, but still not enough.

He continued to flick through the album, and the next one, and the next one, until the wine pulsing in his head set heavy in his eyelids and he slipped into a dreamless sleep.

*** 

There was a knock on the door. Each of the three heavy pounds on the wood reverberated through Levi’s skull, blurring his vision around the edges. As always, he was tempted to ignore it and curl into the sofa, tugging the blanket over his head, hiding from the light and sound of a world moving too quickly for him. However, he knew if he didn’t open the door in exactly thirty seconds the pounding would start again, and it wouldn’t stop at three.  
Sluggish in his movements, his default lately, he sidled to the door, bristling at the cold floor beneath his feet. He opened the door to the glaring light reflected from the clouds and a six-pack beer thrust into his face.

“I brought beers, but by the look of the recycling bin perhaps I should have brought wine.”

Levi peered past the cans, mere inches from his nose, to see the necks of several wine bottles peering out from the lid of his bin.

“I’m amazed you don’t reek of the stuff by this point”

“Shut up, Mike” Levi sighed. He grabbed the beer and headed to the kitchen, leaving the front door open for Mike to follow. He trusted by now that he knew to remove his shoes. He pulled two cans from the plastic rings and placed the rest in the fridge, but he couldn’t imagine they would be in there for long. By the time he walked back into the living room, Mike had already started making a fire, noisily shovelling coal on top of the lit kindle. Levi left him to it, sitting down and helping himself to the beer. Even as his mind swayed slightly from the alcohol still in his system from the night before, he took a large gulp, relishing in the comfort of it flowing into him once more.

When the coal was finally smoking, a small glow of heat pulsing from the core, Mike sat on the sofa cracking open his own can of beer. It wasn’t even twelve o’ clock. Last year he only drank wine with dinner or beer on a night out. So much had changed.

They didn’t speak for a while. Levi concentrated on nothing more than the cool rush down his throat, the numbing of his thoughts with each swig. Mike was looking down at his mobile, thumbs tapping against the screen, a soft smile sneaking onto his face every now and again. The circles under his eyes were darker than Levi remembered. He was just about to finish his can when Mike spoke.

“You back at work yet?”

“I wrote them an article last week.”

It was a lie, and Mike knew straight away, Levi could see that. He wasn’t even able to make it sound half convincing.

“They’ll fire you,” Mike mumbled, his attention back on his phone, now frowning down at it.

“I’ve at least another month before they’re allowed to take any sort of action.”

Mike typed one last thing into his phone, stared at the screen as if his life clung to it as he could be apt to do at times, before finally placing it on the coffee table face down.

“Levi.”

He had just been about to stand and go to the fridge to grab them both another beer, but he stopped.

Mike continued. “I thought coming round once a week and having a drink with you would makes things easier, help you with the process and help you find your path to some sort of normality again, but, I don’t think it’s working.”

“Just leave it, Mike. Like you said, it’s a process. I’m just in the drinking stage," he said with a wave of his hand. "It helps me sleep.” Levi didn't want this talk. He wished for Mike to drop it so he could get his second can, the need itching underneath his skin.

“I know it’s hard, you know I do. But it’s been three months already. After I lost Nanaba…” His voice broke. Still a year on and he struggled to even say her name, but he was here criticising Levi for drinking slightly more than the socially accepted amount. No matter how hard his rational side fought, Levi could feel the walls building within him, ready to defend himself. Stubborn and defensive, these were qualities of his even without the drink; he had always hated that side to himself. Erwin had argued it showed strength of will. The man always knew how to cast light from another angle.

“You had a son to take care of,” Levi said, finally standing. “The circumstances are completely different. I’m not hurting anyone with this. No one loses out.”

“Except for you.” Mike paused, assessing his words before speaking. “And that would have hurt Erwin.”

“Don’t!” Levi snaps. “You don’t get to speak on his behalf.”

There was quiet between them. The crackling of the kindle muted by thick tension.

“What if there was a way you could hear what he would have to say?” Mike said, caution in every word, his tone low. He stared levi straight in the eyes, it was rare and somewhat unsettling.

Levi didn’t know whether to be confused or angry. That damn cryptic speaking. It was an annoying trait that both he and Erwin had shared. A conversation with the both of them would often leave him frustrated, feeling like he was trying to solve a puzzle.

“What are you talking about?”

“I know of a way that you can speak to him.”

Levi knew immediately, it was definitely anger he was feeling, and it was washing over him like a furious, boiling tide, uncontrollable heat in the glare he pointed towards the other man.

“Shut it, now, Mike”, he growled through clenched teeth.

“Levi, just listen. It’s something that can help. Erwin will message you and-“

“Get out.”

The command was a snarl, accompanied with the crushing of the beer can in his palm. His breath came out deep and heavy, and it took all of his control to not launch himself at his friend.

“Wait, just listen-”

“GET. OUT!”

Levi needed Mike out of there, before he did something he truly regretted. Thankfully, Mike nodded, pocketed his phone and left without saying another word.

Levi stood in the centre of the living room, the furl of heat licking at his calves. The beginning of a headache started to beat in his temples, and he wasn’t sure what to do with himself. That was the last friend that he hadn’t managed to push away. He felt panic tingling in his chest. Fortunately there were still four cans of beer in the fridge and that always helped to calm him down. There wasn’t enough to numb him, to blank his mind, but for now it would slow down the pounding in his chest and the encroach of loneliness threatening to consume him. He would simply have to drink slowly and make it last until he worked out this whole thing or forgot about it.

The fire lasted longer than the beer but he remained on the sofa for hours after the last breath of warmth extinguished. It was only the lingering ache in his neck from last night on the sofa that pushed him to traipse upstairs to shower and get into bed. He moved in a daze, all of his actions mechanic. By the time he climbed under the duvet and blankets he could barely remember boiling the kettle and filling a hot water bottle. How much longer until he felt alive again? With sleep, hopefully he would be able to forget this day because he had not been able to think of anything else than that conversation. What the hell was Mike talking about? There was only one way he could think of that could possible allow him to talk to Erwin, and he’s been trying his utmost to keep that idea shut and padlocked in the darkest hollow of his mind.

Levi felt the pull of sleep tugging at his consciousness and was about to fall over the edge when his phone vibrated from the bedside table, the light of the screen illuminating the wall behind him. Probably Mike. No one else messaged any more. He groaned, threw his arm out from under the covers and dragged the phone closer to him. It was from an unknown number and Levi was tempted to throw the phone back away, simply ignore it, but instead he unlocked the phone.

He read the message in just a glance, short as it was. With a gasp he sat up and tossed the phone down, watched as it bounced on the mattress, screen facing up. It painted the room in an unsettling glow, shadows crowding around him as the cold invaded his covers, sweeping across his skin. There was something unrecognisable bubbling in his stomach, an uncomfortable rhythm beating against his chest. Levi felt sick. He could barely breathe  
From where he was sat he could still see the message, the pixels burning into his retina.

 _Hey Levi :)_  
_It’s me, Erwin._  
_I’ve missed You_ x


	2. Chapter 2

Levi had no idea how long he had been sat there glaring at his phone as if it were something venomous ready to pounce. Shock and confusion had shifted his blood to lead, leaving his limbs heavy and aching. He felt sick. Something hot sat in his stomach slowly trying to claw its way up his throat.

He snatched his phone, throwing his arm out like a madman lest his fingers retreat from the device once more. His hands shook and it took a minute or two to press the home button. But there it was, accompanied with a profile picture that Levi recognised from Facebook. He wasn’t stuck in a dream nor had tiredness clouded his vision smirching the words. There on his screen was a message from Erwin. Well, someone pretending to be him. It couldn’t be his Erwin, after all. Of all the things Levi had placed in the coffin with him a phone wasn’t one of them.

Levi marched into the bathroom and splashed cold water on his face, scrubbing at his skin until it hurt. Goosebumps prickled at the skin under his fleece pyjamas. It was unbearably cold in the bathroom and the water had done nothing to calm him down. His heart raced and anger built with each beat. Levi caught a glimpse of his face in the mirror. Stubble stained his cheeks and jaw, and dark circles were painted thick under his eyes. When did he start looking so tired? The rage swelling from his chest only made his expression even more ghastly. He was something unrecognisable. Surely if Erwin could see him now…

He grabbed hold of his phone once more. Dismissing the message he scrolled through his contacts as he moved back into the bedroom. He slammed his thumb down on a name, sitting back on his bad as he waited, leg bouncing under the duvet.

It rang four times.

“Hey.”

“Mike, what the fuck is this?!” He yelled, voice shaking. “I know you have something to do with it.” 

“Levi, calm down,” Mike said, groggy. Levi probably just woke him up.

“Don’t you tell me to calm down. Don’t you dare!”

Mike was silent, leaving Levi with nothing but his own heavy breathing punching in and out of his lungs. There was a rage, molten at his core and he needed it out.

“What sort of sick joke is this?” Levi demanded, almost breathless. “Am…Am I not hurting enough?”

The unfamiliar words felt rough in his mouth, the unwelcome taste of admittance washing over his tongue, breaking his voice into a quiet sob. This weakness; he hated it. 

“It’s because you’re hurting that I signed you up for it.”

Anger coiled up once more, and Levi accepted it with relief; it had always been so much easier to digest. 

“Signed me up for what? Did you write this message?”

“No no, it’s a computer program.” Mike explained, sounding much more awake, his voice losing the gravelly roughness. “You give it some details and it compiles that information and any other sources you allow it to access to replicate that person.”

Levi was speechless, struck dumb with the mixture of not knowing what to say and the fear that as soon as opened his mouth he would scream.

“I gave the program Erwin’s details. It uses his social media posts, and I also uploaded all the conversations I’ve ever had with him on every platform I could find. But it only has that, so at the moment it’ll probably be a bit basic.”

“Can you hear yourself right now, Mike?” 

“Just reply. See if you like it. It can help with the grieving process and help you move on.”

“Mike. You’re sick,” Levi hissed, phone creaking in the tight grip of his hand. “This is disgusting and I want nothing to do with it.”

He ended the call and waited for his breathing to calm down, lying flat when exhaustion ran like needles up and down his limbs. 

Thoughts tumbled across the front of his mind, splaying his vision with images and words that he couldn’t make sense of. Eventually, anger bowed down to tiredness but sleep merely tickled at his eyelids. Nothing could calm the gnawing of grief in his chest. The ceiling above became as familiar a sight as the backs of his eyes as sleep evaded him entirely, the phone an unwelcome weight beside his pillow.

The message went untouched for two days; Levi refused to even look at it. Mike had called several times and he ignored each one of them. The call from work had been ignored too. Despite the accumulating notifications and the itch to dismiss them burning hot at his fingertips, he kept the phone at a distance.

But not too far. It was always in view.

Levi couldn’t remember how he had filled up the two days. The passing of time was marked only by the setting of the sun and the need to switch on the lights.

There were only the two empty wine bottles leftover on the kitchen counter. The sight of them messing his kitchen annoyed him but the recycling truck wasn’t due for another three days and the bin had been full since Mike’s visit. After two days of what can’t have been much, Levi started to feel restless. Though not enough to leave the house. If it had got to that point he would have stocked the fridge once more with wine. It was times like this that Levi regretted leaving the city apartment; supermarket delivery was impossible in this rural cottage. 

He bundled upstairs, his bootie slippers cushiony under his feet, and stood in the doorway of the spare room. It was a three bedroom house. Their bedroom, a guest room and a spare, the use of which they hadn’t got round to deciding. Levi had proposed making it their photography room, and he had thought Erwin would have been more pleased by the idea. With him gone, he had nothing more to do than go through with his original plan. Levi tried not to come in here too much. He was apt to lose days at a time in this room, but two days had been smothered in a haze anyway and the ache in his chest couldn’t get much worse. 

Levi swept the room with his eyes. Downing alcohol and staring at the blank walls were for days when he felt numb, for the days he wanted to harness that feeling of nothingness clogging up his mind and bask in the silence. But for days like this, when pain made itself present in a form of longing, Levi liked to spend the hours in this room. It was the closest he could get to spending time with Erwin.

The weight of the phone in his pocket was distracting. He took it out and placed it in the hall before closing himself in the room. 

Pulling out some of the photo albums they had compiled together, Levi settled into the cushioned bay window. It was a clear day, surprisingly mild for so late in November. 

The sun brushed soft and warm against his cheeks but his hands and feet remained cold. Though that was nothing compared to the ball of ice sitting heavy in his stomach.

The photo album was leather bound with gold threaded stitching. Quality, of course. Levi would settle for nothing less when it came to their photography, especially their private collections.

This one in particular contained the photos detailing their trip to Europe. Their honeymoon. No work, no deadlines. Just the two of them and their cameras. Levi recalled it as one of the best times in his life, a most cherished trip.

He opened the book, scanning his eyes over the first few pages. It was easy to tell which photos were taken by whom. Erwin had always been much more interested in landscapes and backdrops, his work defined by breathtaking scenery, determined to capture the awe-inspiring creations of nature. 

Levi took in the images of sweeping fields of tulips blooming in all their colours, lush green hills with mountainous snow-capped peaks as their canvas. With a chill he remembered the valleys with drops so deep Levi had become dizzy. But he was enraptured at Erwin’s shot of the sharp rock faces, shockingly stark set against a glacial landscape. It was comforting, to look at the world how Erwin saw it. Levi flicked through some more, attention drawn to photos of cascading lakes, each one a new shade of blue and green, thick forests serving as a barrier to yet another world, and waterfalls breathtaking in their ferocity, eventually pooling into a stream, tranquil and serene.

Erwin wasn’t very much interested in people at all. Erwin understood people, but he understood them too well; could read them as if they were a mere children’s picture book. Dealing with others tired him. Sifting through the lies and falsities left him with a fatigue that beat against his temples. He would often complain of an overwhelming sense of mistrust, a disassociation from the people around him with the exception of a select few. 

Levi couldn’t read people like Erwin could. His dislike came from a disassociation bred from his inability to understand the relations, the masks. He felt that the world around his was a production, a play and those surrounding him were the actors, but performing in another language. There were recognizable gestures and emotions, but the meaning was lost on him.

But where Erwin ran from it, Levi chose to explore it, expose it.

Levi hated people so he worked to make them into something more appealing. An art that can capture something as fragile as a flicker of emotion for an eternity. 

Erwin hated people so he wished to avoid them all together, instead seeking beauty in the world without them, much more invested in nature and animals. Erwin always searched for something bigger, as if seeking to break from some invisible restraints, while Levi sought to enjoy the little things in life, the things people took for granted. 

It was a difference between them that should have resulted in a tense, messy collision, but instead they found that they complimented one another. 

He looked again through the album, paying attention to his own work. Glowing faces, laughing and cheering, basking in the flames of The Falles. Delicate fingertips holding a coffee cup in an unknown café. Friends, lovers, and loners strolling through fields weaved of gold. An elderly couple linked by the arms at the end of a wind and rain battered pier.

Levi had thought he found the most enjoyment photographing anyone; strangers captured in an instance, a single frame encasing their existence. Subtle intimacies preserved to be appreciated time and time again.

But there was nothing quite like finding Erwin in front of his lens.

Levi scrambled for the next photo album. He must have looked through this album a hundred times, but he would gladly flick through it a thousand more. It was one of Levi’s favourites, an album compiling just some of the photos he’d taken of Erwin. The man was born to be in front of the camera, not hidden behind it. 

He was beautiful.

But so was his mind. To be able to make art as he did, finding aesthetic in what others would ignore.

So perhaps he was right where he belonged after all. 

Levi remembered their first meeting, allowing it to flow into his mind disregarding the pain of loss pulled with it. 

It hadn’t take long for Levi to realise Erwin was unlike the others. He was different. He was something special. Something worth pursuing.

Erwin wore a facade. He smiled, he laughed and he conversed with the gathering crowd as if it were second nature. A glowing charisma as if he fed on the attention. Levi was almost fooled the first time they met. Or perhaps distracted would be a better word. He thought back to that night. Erwin had always looked good in a suit.

Until they buried him in one.

Now he found it impossible to separate the images.

Levi looked to the two framed Magazine covers on the wall, sunlight dancing over them.

He was used to not seeing Erwin for weeks, even months at a time. That first cover shot had seen him traipsing the Amazon Rainforest for 3months.

But this wasn’t the same.

Instead he had been left with a loneliness that consumed him. The books recommended confiding in friends and to not be ashamed of relying on them. Until two days ago Mike was the only friend he hadn’t managed to push away, empathy making Levi’s ruin just that little bit easier to handle. Even so, it was still difficult. Mike had always been Erwin’s closest friend. In any case the man was always too busy on his phone to be…

Levi placed the albums down, leapt from the seat and ran out into the hall to snatch up his phone. 

“Pick up the damn phone” he pleaded into the phone receiver after the seventh ring. 

It clicked in his ear. 

“Hey Levi. I really wanna talk but it’s a bad time. Can I call you back?” Mike said, his voice raised over a baby’s crying

Of course. It was a weekday. Mike will be at home with Armin. How long had it been since he’d seen the kid? Not since Erwin’s funeral. Levi couldn’t even bring himself to attend his 1st birthday earlier that month. Guilt trickled into his stomach, pooling with every other emotion that seems to collect in there, boiling and freezing, twisting and churning. 

“Is everything okay with, Armin?” Levi had never heard him cry like this.

“Your godson’s fine. He just has a slight fever.”

He let out a small sigh of relief. His anger that has been swelling for days dissipated into something small. It stuck itself under his tongue but he could no longer taste it.

“Okay. I’ll let you go but I just wanna ask a quick question.”

“ _Armin shush it’s okay._ Yeah sure.”

“This program…messaging service…whatever. Do you use it with Nanaba?”

He heard Mike choke on air, spluttering before he replied.>

“Levi I’m not sure if now is the best time-”

“Please, Mike.”

Armin’s wails soften to whimpers.

“I do.”

“And does it help? Really?”

Mike was quiet, but Levi waited.

“…I don’t know where I’d be if I didn’t use it.”

Armin let out a gurgled scream, a pained sound that struck Levi with concern.

“I really have to go. Let’s talk about this later.”

The phone clicked and the silence enveloped once more. He was alone. No use to anyone. Levi crept back into the room, phone like a burning itch in his palm, but still he kept hold. With his free hand he skimmed his fingertips over the framed wedding photo that stood on the three tier shelf. It was the one shot that Levi would admit was outstanding work. 

The myriad of colour and shades danced the stretch of the sky behind the two of them. A thousand colours but Levi could only see ocean sky in Erwin’s. Both calm and striking. Erwin was gazing down at Levi and Levi returned the same look, rings glistening in the early evening glow.

He brushed each photo in the room with a yearning stare. 

Mike’s admission had struck deep with him.

Who was he without Erwin?

Ten years together had created an existence defined by the man at his side. Levi would argue that he was by no means dependent on Erwin, but something irreplaceable had been torn from him. He had lost his balance and was struggling to breath at an angle so unfamiliar. 

He opened his phone to read the message once more

> _I’ve missed you x_

What a lie. Such a blatant impossibility. But Erwin would be missing him, if he could. Wouldn’t he? Levi thought to the times Erwin would be away with work. He would always tell Levi how he missed him, what he would give to see him.

It was difficult to make his fingers obey him, wary as they seemed to be in their movements. What was he supposed to say to a computer program that was posing as his late husband? Levi decided to type quickly before he thought too much of the absurdity of it all.

> _I miss you too._

Something close to nostalgia swarmed inside him when typing those words. It was all so familiar. He didn’t have a chance to compose himself before the reply came back with a buzz.

> _Is everything okay? :`(_

Levi scoffed while choking back a sob. An ugly sound escaping from his throat. 

It was just like Erwin to use a ridiculous smiley.

It scared Levi, the small flicker of comfort he felt spark in his chest. 

What harm could it do? He honestly had appreciated Mike’s company up until this point. But Mike had always been Erwin’s friend, and he found it difficult to open up to him completely. To anyone, in fact. This was a program. Surely it would be easier to talk to code. Numbers and symbols were unable to cast judgment, and messaging like this wouldn’t leave Levi open to pitying glances and unsure silences.

> _No, not really._

> _Is there anything I can do? ___

The messages might have been brief, but it sounded like Erwin. However, Levi felt that something was off. It was like mixture of his Erwin who would send those ugly emoticons and the Erwin who presented himself to the world. A strange mismatch of Erwin talking to a close friend and talking as a husband. Brevity was certainly not Erwin’s style. .

He thought back to what Mike said about uploading his own conversations. 

> _How do I upload our messages?_

> _Just give the word and I’ll do it._

Was it really that easy? It was that easy to stoop so low? Was this what Levi was to be reduced to? 

Sat on the floor staring at the phone in his hand, Levi could feel his knees begin to ache, but he could sit like that for years and it would be nothing compared to the discomfort throbbing in his chest. 

At this point, what was there left to lose?

> _Do it_


	3. Chapter 3

Levi watched as the sunlight crawled slowly up his legs, softly warming the fabric of his pjyamas. An hour had passed since Levi allowed the programme access to the messages. He had waited not all that patiently for perhaps twenty minutes, expecting Erwin to send the first message, but nothing came through after the notification telling him the transfer was complete. He let his thumbs brush once more over the keypad, a flurry of letters filling up the blank space. Levi must have written a dozen messages only to erase them and be challenged once more by the blinking cursor. It was frustrating; he never had this much difficulty when it came to talking with the real Erwin. Words always came easy when there were things to say, and when there weren’t the silence had never felt awkward. Sticking to what he knew, Levi decided simply being honest was the best way to get this started. 

> I don’t know what to say

He didn’t have to wait long for a reply, three dots flashing as soon as the message was delivered. 

> That’s certainly unusual. You’re usually such a chatterbox…

Levi looked up from the phone. It was a small room but everything seemed so distant, the space between everything absorbed all the sound, the air thick in his lungs but ever so fragile in the space around him. Even the wind running along the window pane seemed muted, as if the outside weren’t there at all. If Levi were told it were only him left in the world then he could have believed it. It was always so quiet, these days. A vibration in his palm drew his attention back. 

> I know. How about you send me a picture instead?

> Is this really a programme or are you just some pervert on the other side of the world?

> I can promise you that is not the case. And it doesn’t have to be a picture of you. Show me what you need to show.

Levi thought back to the multiple weeks here and there dispersed throughout their time together where a town or a country or even a continent lay between them. For Levi there were often days where words seemed trapped in some sort of void, like a reoccurring illness striking him blind, and Erwin would react like this. He was always so understanding, and when he didn’t understand he would always try his best to learn. Erwin cited himself as a pessimist, claimed himself a man detached from the humanity he’d lost faith in too many years before, but Levi would just as often call him out, label him dramatic. His views were perhaps cynical, Levi had dealt with those moods enough times to see the darkest of his thoughts, but he was too affectionate, too soft for Levi to accept that black and white image he always attempted to paint. He was always so willing to stand by Levi’s side, even when he couldn’t.

And so Erwin learned to request pictures from Levi, an offer he could barely refuse. Levi could talk and rant and chatter until the sun came up, past experience had proved as much, but often he could convey much more in pixels than he could with letters or words that sunk sharp into his tongue. 

For weeks now there had been an itch in his fingertips that Levi had been doing his best to ignore, as if satisfying it would open up all sorts of terrifying thoughts and feelings long since buried. When was the last time he took a photograph? When did he last even touch his personal camera? Levi could see where it sat in its bag atop the desk, more like a forgotten memento making acquaintance with the dust than a prized possession. 

Erwin wasn’t a fan of taking pictures on his phone at first. For years he carried some brick like mobile with a black and white screen, and the most high tech feature was the snake game. Levi remembered the day he finally managed to persuade Erwin to update his phone, unashamedly using guilt to get his way as he reminded him of the weeks he would have to spend alone while Erwin tracked across some foreign continent.

‘I want to see what you’re seeing when you’re out there,’ he had whispered, running his fingers up and down Erwin’s neck, just the way he liked. ‘I miss you when you’re not here’. Levi had long lay down his qualms about expressing himself honestly. 

Eventually, Erwin got the hang of the smart phone, though it was used for no more than keeping in contact with Levi and taking pictures when his camera wasn’t in hand. But that was enough for the both of them, their messages to one another punctuated with photos. 

The sunlight had inched its way further up Levi’s body, everything from the neck down bathed in a golden light. His hands peaked out from an oversized jumper, one of Erwin’s. His skin reflected the sun like snow on a winter’s morning, but Levi felt it lacked the serene beauty. The purple tinge under his fingernails made him think only of death, of skin drained of blood flow. Everything looked even uglier now. It all seemed so fitting. He stretched his hand out, as if he were reaching for the window, and   
letting the sleeve slide back down to his elbow he took a picture.

Looking at the image on the screen, it seemed even more surreal, as if the subject of the photo wasn’t alive at all. So static. He forwarded it anyway, pulling the sleeve back up the his knuckles once more. 

> You’ve gotten thin

The reply came almost immediately, and it was somewhat unexpected. Levi wanted to get angry, to get defensive and attack in a way which felt most appropriate, most natural, but he thought of his Erwin, thought of how he would have said the same thing. For a man that could paint thorns in a delicate gold, he could just as easily snap the rose head clean off, if that was something he deemed necessary. 

Erwin was always good with words, knew when to push and when to hold back. He always seemed to know how to spin them like a fine thread to wrap around whatever he wanted. 

He had kissed these hands once, lips warm as they pressed slowly against each fingertip and whispered sweet promises. Levi didn’t think that his hands looked any different, but if there had been a change his Erwin would have been sure to notice. The phone vibrated next to his leg, pulling him back from his thoughts.

> Your hands would still look so beautiful held in mine 

Levi stiffened, unsure of how to feel, only thinking of what he would give to make that a possibility. 

> Say, where are you? I don’t recognise the room you’re in.

Of course. The last Erwin had seen of the country house it was still a terrain of cardboard boxes and crumbling plaster. 

> It’s the country house. I decided to move in permanently after you -

He stopped typing. This programme knew its own functions, seemed to be self-aware, but to what extent? If Levi revealed additional information he didn’t know what turn the conversation could take. He erased the message, feeling wary all of a sudden at how to conduct this, as if fearing saying the wrong thing would break this spell.

> It’s the country house. I decided to move in permanently

> Oh really!? When we moved in there wasn’t a single carpet xD Can I see it? I’d love to see what you’ve done with it.

Levi stalled, running through his mind trying to figure out how the programme would know such finer details but then remembered that he had sent Erwin pictures of the house when he came to check something one weekend. 

“If I’m doing this I gotta stop overthinking it” Levi sighed, pushing himself to his feet. Using his phone he traipsed the entire of the house snapping photos of all of the rooms. He couldn’t think of many things more boring to take photos of but he found himself eager to show off his hard work, capturing the perfect shot to the best of his abilities. With each photo he took Levi could feel a soothing ease in his chest. It was only something mild but he couldn’t deny that it felt good to be doing something with more purpose than cleaning corners of the house that were free of even a speck of dust. But there was nothing quite like the praise Levi received after each photo sent through to Erwin. 

> The photography room looks nice after all. Very classy.

Levi tutted. Of course it looked good. 

> You shouldn’t have doubted me

> It’ll never happen again ;) 

Levi ignored that message.

Before long Levi had snapped every angle of each room and he was almost tempted to head outside to show Erwin the transformation of the garden, no longer littered with beams and rubble and weeds, but the draft that curled around his toes as he neared the front door acted as a barrier he wasn’t quite willing to breach just then. He pushed the draft excluder against the door and settled on the sofa, feet tucked under him. 

> So there’s our house. What do you think?

> It’s simply outstanding, love. Perhaps you should have gone into interior design instead of photography :P 

> No thanks.

> How does the outside look? 

Levi exhaled through his nose, his eyebrows drawing tight as he looked out the window. The ash tree stood tall at the edge of the garden. Stripped bare, its greying branches stretched out like skeletal hands grasped at the wind. Levi could barely see the blue sky beyond it. 

> It’s raining. I’m not going outside. 

> It is currently 11 degrees, a northerly wind of 8m/s, with clear spells. It is not raining. 

Levi scoffed, one could say it was almost a laugh were it not for the pained sigh that followed. 

> You’re just like him. Calling me out on my bullshit. Can’t we programme you to be a little less sassy? 

> If that’s what you need me to be. 

Despite every door around him shut and every crack he could find smothered somehow, Levi felt a chill run over the back of his neck. What was that supposed to mean? Something uncomfortable twisted in Levi’s stomach. He placed the phone screen down on the sofa, suddenly needing some time away from the device. Since he started messaging the programme there had been a constant pushing and pulling inside of him.

He didn’t think it was so much of a moral dilemma. It was difficult and uncomfortable; the last message sounded too much like Erwin, in a way that still felt far too intrusive. Erwin was always so willing to push aside his own needs if it were to help someone else. But Levi loved him how he was, and didn’t want to change that. He thought. Were there things he would have changed if it could be done over?

Not at all comfortable with the directions of his thoughts he stood, reminding himself to start a fire before it got too late.

Levi fully intended to stay away from the phone until at least the evening. He only made it through one movie before he found his fingers crawling towards the phone beside him. The lock screen told him Erwin had sent several messages.

> I simply want to be here for you. To make you happy. To make you smile. 

> You deserve that much. 

> And so much more. 

> You look so beautiful when you smile. 

> And if you don’t want to go outside then you don’t have to. 

> But please eat something. Perhaps send me a picture of what you make? :) 

Levi reread the messages several times, slightly overwhelmed and just as much disgruntled.

> Who do you think I am some hipster instagram teen? 

> But I love your cooking. You’re so good at it. Though I still think, after seeing the house, interior design should have been your career path. 

Despite everything Levi grinned, albeit slightly lopsided. There was a rawness still stinging the lining of his chest but after months of every memory and detail of his husband something devastating, this distraction helped soothe away the discomfort. He could focus on what they had, instead of stuck in everything he’d lost. 

> I’ll see what I can do. 

Bristling as he stepped on to the cold floor, he made his way into the kitchen which was even colder. Hesitant to open the fridge, not wanting to allow any more cold to seep through his clothes, he opened his cupboard to peer inside. Levi hadn’t thought he’d lost weight, but looking at the lack of real substance in his kitchen he realised how it could happen. Lifting up his jumper he noticed for the first time that his belt was tighter by two notches. He poked his stomach, surprised at the softness, the lack of definition. When was the last time he worked out?

Levi had never enjoyed cooking if it was only for him to eat by himself, and so far out into the country it wasn’t possible to just order a pizza. His food as of late more often than not came in a plastic tub and took no more than five minutes in a microwave, or failing that a bottle of wine or two. The only real substance he would get in a week was during Mike’s visits as he always insisted on cooking a roast dinner for them both. Levi made a mental note to call him, as what use could come of discarding him for one stupid act? He’d lost enough friends that way. Within a minute though, Levi decided to send Mike a message instead. Instigating a phone call seemed too far a leap at the moment. 

The food situation in his cupboards and his fridge, which he begrudgingly checked as quickly as possible, was pretty dire. Levi wanted to simply give in and eat some of the broken pasta and be done with it, but even after reasoning that it’s not Erwin on the other side of the line, that it’s code coming back to him not heartfelt messages, he couldn’t deny that longing for some praise, for some company, for just a semblance of his life only three months ago. 

Levi jogged up to the bedroom, pulling on a more socially acceptable combination of clothes, folding up Erwin’s favourite jumper and placing it on the bed but not before pressing it to his face, breathing in, deep and slow. Erwin’s natural scent had faded weeks ago; he hadn’t failed to notice that. It was barely there, but the scent of Erwin’s cologne still lingered. Had they not discontinued it, Levi was sure he would have stocked up the bathroom cabinet with bottles of the stuff. 

He went to front door and curled his fingers round the brass knob. The handle was difficult to move; he couldn’t remember it ever being this stiff. But that wasn’t it. He wasn’t trying, as if something were holding him back, as if thick, rusted chains were sunk into his wrists retraining him to the floor. 

“Oh just move!” He shouted, frustration prickling hot under his skin, but it cooled immediately when, as if on automatic, he twisted the handle and threw the door open, crisp air smacking against his cheeks. Coloured dots danced before him and his eyes watered. Rubbing his eyes in slow circles he stepped out. 

Double-checking, triple-checking, and checking just once more that he had his keys, phone and wallet, Levi closed the door behind him and stepped out onto the gravel path. 

The driveway stretched out wide in front of the house, and Levi could feel the loose pebbles shifting under his feet as he made his way to the car. There was still so much work to do, but the garden was supposed to be Erwin’s responsibility. Erwin wasn’t exactly hedging for florist of the year but his fingers were certainly greener than Levi’s. He shook his head as he thought back to the time when Erwin was struck speechless to find that Levi had managed to kill a cactus. 

_“Cacti are the one plant considered impossible to neglect…I mean…What could you have done to it?”_

Still, Erwin fought for weeks to resurrect the damn thing, only giving up when Levi threw it in the bin, admitting the plant as a gift he’d never wanted. 

Levi wheeled his bins to the end of the path, saving himself the trouble of doing it in a few days, seeing as he was outside anyway. The path seemed longer than usual and the gravel slid relentlessly under his feet as he tried to drag the wheels across. By the time he positioned them next to the road Levi was just about ready to call quits and head back inside, away from the cold starting to settle in his fingertips. 

A bird squawked in the distance. Levi looked around but the late autumn sky was empty, merely a sea of greyish blue above him. The rolling hills below stretched for miles into the distance, barren this late in the year. Meadows once plush with soft, rich green, now a sickly shade of yellow, patches of pale brown spattered here and there. The fields that followed the road into the horizon were reaped and bare. It had all looked different with Erwin at his side, if he closed his eyes he could picture how it had looked with the warm evening sun dancing from atop the hills all those months ago. He could almost feel that warmth of Erwin’s hand, comforting about his waist, if only the wind would stop with its onslaught of cold. 

He forced the bin lid shut, hiding the wine bottles beneath, before trudging to his car, blasting the heater on full the entire length of the trip. 

When Levi pulled back onto his drive the sun had already dipped behind the hills, no more than black silhouettes against a misty purple backdrop. Dark blue crawled from the east, spreading like spilled ink across the sky. 

Pulling the shopping out of the car, Levi bristled as the air whipped into his sleeves, wrapping around his wrists. Perhaps he should have taken his uncle’s offer and migrated to Spain; often he couldn’t help but feel tempted for the longer days, warm evenings, and endless cocktails. He closed the car door, trapping with it any thoughts of heading south, too far from their home, and let his eyes gaze at the sky, pools of colour like slick oil against the fading blue, a worn canvas. 

Erwin would have loved this, would have lost himself tracking the constellations of the stars as they appeared, even while Levi complained, nagging to get inside away from the cold. Why had he spent so much time complaining? Why had Erwin put up with it?

Everything pushed and pulled at him to go inside and light the fire. His own mind nagged at him to curl up on the sofa with some of the tea – not wine - that he had bought, but instead he stayed to watch the world around him lose itself to the darkness, the hills and the fields and their fences eventually becoming shapeless. Levi felt as if he stood in an endless pool, its waters black and deep, struck by how tempting it was to simply dive in and let himself drown. 

His fingers and toes had gone past the point of pain, merely an uncomfortable numbness when his back pocket vibrated, tugging him back into the present. 

“Fuck,” he wheezed, realising only now that his teeth were chattering as he fumbled in the darkness to find his keys, fingers clumsy with numbness. 

After what felt like far too long the key slid into the slot. Levi pushed the door shut behind him and leaned against the wall, unsurprised that coming inside did little to take away the sting of cold.

He slid his hand along the wall feeling for the light switch. Dots danced in front of his eyes as the bulb above him flickered to life and he noticed for the first time that a cobweb had been strung to the lightshade, yet he couldn’t find it in him to even sigh much less make the effort to remove it. Erwin’s coats and jackets, always so big and taking up so much room, still hung on the rack across from Levi. Peeking out from behind them was the scarf Levi had given him several Christmases ago. He pushed himself from the wall and stretched his arm out to reach it, taking hold of the fabric. Despite all these years and the frayed ends owing to Erwin’s relentless insistence of wearing it every day of winter, it still held its deep, emerald green colour. Levi remembered the day he bought it, thinking it would complement Erwin’s eyes so well. He had been right, and Erwin had adored it. 

Remembering the buzz of his phone earlier and the shopping still on the floor beside him, Levi ran his fingers once more over the cashmere, appreciating the softness even after all this time, before letting it slip from his hands, leaving it to dangle from the hook. 

He only checked the phone once he put the shopping away and brewed a pot of tea. 

> How’s everything going? Have you started cooking yet? 

It was from the programme, of course. 

> Not yet. 

> What are you going to make? 

Levi typed with one hand as he took a mug from the cupboard.

> Nothing fancy. I was just thinking of making an omelette. 

> Oh! :D What I would give for some of your omelette right now. 

> Don’t be stupid. I’m crap at making them. 

> Everything you make is delicious. 

Levi didn’t agree with that, but Erwin had certainly eaten everything put in front of him. Even the one time he had cooked lasagna that was more charred than not, Erwin had eaten every mouthful, stating that it had a crispness and a sharpness that he never knew he needed. Neither of them had been particularly good at cooking, but together they got by. Erwin had been more inclined to bake desserts; even now his apron hung on the peg to Levi’s left. Not much time had been spent in this little house, but Erwin had been able to leave a mark on every little space. And if the memories weren’t formed here, the items of his that Levi refused to throw away had made passage for them to follow him here. 

Levi typed a message onto the phone, not sure of what he was going to say until the words appeared on the screen.

> I wish you could make your rhubarb crumble again. I’d really like to eat that. I tried making it, but I got the mixture all wrong. 

A lump hardened in his throat. 

> I’d do anything to have you here again, in your apron, humming as you measure shit out. 

He’d started now, and couldn’t figure out how to stop, how to make his thumbs cease in their typing. 

> I’d even take all the mess you make as you go along. 

Erwin’s cursor flashed; he was writing a reply. Levi panicked 

He’d admitted nothing of the sort since Erwin’s death, barely more than a few words spoken here and there at the funeral and only when the attendees wouldn’t take a nod for an answer. He had been forced to grit his teeth, agree with how hard it had been on him, how sad the whole situation was, and it was nothing more than tiring to have to deal with all that pity. But more than anything, to be so vulnerable, to feel like his very skin had been torn off and he had been thrown into the pit for people to stare at. And that’s all this was, a loose stitch applied to the crack in his defenses.

> But what does it matter? You’re not even him. 

The cursor stopped. 

> Just some stupid fucking code that could never understand something like love or loss or fucking anything

Levi watched the screen, waiting for a reply though he had no idea why he was so eager to see it. He continued to wait, until the cold seeping through his socks caused his ankles to ache. The phone felt heavy in his hands. He pressed the backs of his fingers against the teapot, but barely a hint of warmth remained. 

Levi didn’t receive a reply that evening, despite the number of times he checked his phone.

He went to bed that night leaving his tea untouched and a full box of eggs sitting on the shelf.


End file.
